Trapped or Being Lost

I find myself somewhat trapped at work.

As you may know, I am a professor at a local university. The bulk of my job is grading student work. Some weeks it might take me a couple of days to get through all of it. This week, I wrapped it up yesterday. Yay me. This leaves me with administrative work that I have perfected ways of ignoring until someone up the food chain tells me I need to get it done. Typically I would go home on such days and hand out there. But my dear wife is sick, and I don’t want to get exposed any more than I have to be. So I’m trapped at work. Or am I just feeling lost?

I feel lost often. Not directionally, emotionally, or maybe more psychologically. I find time on my hands, and I don’t know what to do with it. I want to make photographs but get stuck on where to go. I don’t feel comfortable with going to a coffee shop. Thanks, COVID. So I wind up doing nothing. Or something pointless like watching YouTube videos. Not that YouTube videos are worthless - I learn a lot from them - but when you start watching videos of military aircraft take off and land... you have a problem.

Someone once explained that being a perfectionist causes one not to do things because they are too busy waiting for the “perfect” time to do it. I agree. But I call myself out on this and still find myself lost.

I have always said I don’t do bored well. And today is a perfect example. I also lack the motivation to do mindless tasks that I should be doing (adjunct evaluations, etc.) Ugh.

So I’m typing this post that nobody will read. Mental masturbation? Probably but at least I’m off the YouTube for a minute or two.

RESET (giving a shit)

I am a firm believer in the “reality 2x4.” So much so that I have a chunk of 2x4 in my office with “reality” burned into it. It acts as a reminder because, for some reason, at my age, I need a reminder.

The universe’s version will smack you upside the head from time to time, as it deems necessary. Never with warning or notice. I have had such a reminder applied recently. And I am grateful for it.

I won’t go into the personal details (you’re welcome), but I will say it hurt and scared the heck out of me. No, it scared the shit out of me.

I had let go of all that mattered, big, small, personal, professional, minor, and significant. Nothing mattered for close to a year. And I won’t blame the COVID pandemic on all of it, but sure, it played a role. Part of me felt all I could do was quit, stop caring. Partly as an act of self-preservation. Partly as an act of spite.

Thankfully, the 2x4 did its specific job.

I have started to meditate again. I am reading again. And I have fallen in love with a pocket-size sketchbook and the act of journaling. And as an act of cleaning, I destroyed some old journals full of past anger and points of view.

As part of my reset, I re-read Austin Kleon’s books. I have also stopped checking the news when I first wake up. That single act has been a game-changer bringing some calmness to my morning routine.

My general mood has been optimistic (when I don’t look at the news and read how COVID will kill everything we love). My anxiety is in a calm state. I don’t hate life and can again see the value of kindness and compassion. But like everything in life that has value, you have to work at it. Do the work.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t thank my wife. Her act of bravery saved me and our relationship. Maybe it was her swinging the 2x4. Regardless, I am deeply grateful.

So back to work. Back to life. Back to being a better me and hopefully helping to create a better environment for all those I hold dear.

Order

As I get older I find routine and order to be more important. Not the case when I was younger. I could function without effort in the biggest of messes. Clutter was my decorating style. I did clean, but it didn’t take long for the horizontal surfaces to be cover with just about anything.

Now I find myself doing dishes two or three times a day just to keep the sink free of dishes and coffee cups. My hands are constantly dry and chapped. Why not use the dishwasher? It is just the two of us. By the time it would be full enough to to warrant running it we’d be out of forks or something else essential. Plus I do a better job. I hate having to re-wash half of the load. Might as well just do it right myself.

Every night I put whatever I dragged out that evening away. My desk is 90% organized and clean 90% of the time. One could say I have become a fan of knolling. Pens, books, etc., all have their place neatly lined up at 90° angles. I think it just makes me feel better; knowing where everything is and having it be neat and organized.

Routine is also important and when I’m out of my routine I get very discombobulated. I’m not one of those with a tight schedule or routine. I’m usually up between 5 and 5:30. I get our coffee ready to brew and feed the cats and dogs (with a trip outside for the dogs). I put away dishes while they eat. Once everything with fur has been taken care of I head down to the basement to meditate and row. My cushion time is typically between 10 to 30 minutes. I spend 30 minutes on the rowing machine. If it isn’t crazy cold out side I will go for a 4-mile walk. I’ve got that down to taking just over an hour. I prefer walking to the rowing.

Then it is a shower. Once back downstairs I make my coffee and get ready to work. I’ve been trying to incorporate intermittent fasting into my routine. I don’t have my Huel shake until 10 or 11 most days. Sometimes I cave around 9:30, if I am so hungry I can’t focus. The shake is 400 calories plus a few more from the half of a banana I toss in. I would much rather have real food but this has helped me loose 45 pounds so far. Plus it has a bunch of vitamins and minerals. Clean up is quick.

My workday is typically one of three things: meetings, grading, or recording videos for my classes.Since March I have been working from home so the meetings are all on Zoom. It is going to be interesting watching people trying to pay attention in a meeting once we are able to safely be in a space together.

I’ll grab an apple for a snack around 1:00 and make some tea. Typically I like sugar in my tea but I think I need to cut that out too. The work day, unless I have late meetings, wraps up around 3:00. Any longer and I spend more time looking for something else to do then get work done. I’ll watch some YouTube videos or read. I should spend some afternoon time on the cushion but I don’t.

We have dinner around 6:00 most nights. I do the dishes (duh) and we watch TV until 9:00. I’m usually in bed by 9:30. I’m a light sleeper so every noise in the house wakes me up. And for some reason I wake jump at 4:30 now. I don’t get out of bed (no need to rush the day). I use that time to check the news and take a quick peek at email. And it all starts up again.

Without the routine I feel lost and get impatient. Back when we could travel, I would wake up at my normal time and feel stuck in the hotel or guest bedroom we were in. Thankfully, my wife sleeps like the dead so I can carefully get up, shower, and sneak out for coffee or for a short walk.

I have even gotten to the point where I, when pencil and paper, try to improve my routine. Listing out everything I could possibly do in a given hour to ensure I am using the time I can call mine the most efficient way. I used to get up at 4:30 to work out. Now I just push my office hours back to give myself more time in the morning. It has taken me a few years to realize there is not point in rushing to do something you’d rather not do. Make time for the things in life you enjoy and then get the rest done in a timely manner.

Well, it is time to make more tea.

Getting back into it

I remember my dad teaching me how to ride a bike. He’d yell, “peddle, peddle, peddle,” and I would fall over. After a bit of ranting (he, like me, wasn’t the most patient of people) and crying, I got the hang of it. That is until I ran into the back of a parked car. After that, my bike hanging in the garage for a week or so. I’m sure once I got my bike back, I jumped on and peddled my little heart out.

Recently, I had that feeling again. Not the running into a car as your father is telling you to watch where you’re going, but the getting back on the bike and peddling your heart out. Instead of my bike, my camera was the object of my happiness.

I pushed myself to get out of the house and take along my digital camera. Having no goal other than to make some images - press that shutter release button and see what happens. I walked around last week in areas I was familiar with and found some new things to document. I had been shooting with my 35mm film camera for so long before the pandemic started up that I had forgotten how much I could customize the camera for a given situation.

I have been reading up on “film recipes” from Fuji X Weekly and found them inspiring, making me think about the composition more. I even felt the urge to use the Kodak Tri-X setting. And to take it a step further, I was only capturing JPEG files - no RAW. It got me to approach shooting with the X-100V like it was loaded with film rather than an SD card.

Yesterday I woke up early and saw that it was foggy out. The excitement to shoot in the fog during blue and golden hour got me moving towards the door. The fog was gone by the time I got out, and the overcast skies muted the effects of sunrise. But I found myself engrossed in making images. I found “the zone” and took my time with it.

The joy of being a child and learning how to ride a bike - the means to transport yourself wherever you wanted (or your mom allowed) is a huge milestone in anyone’s young life. I felt that way walking around and making images. The world’s troubles slipped away for an hour or more, leaving me with a sense of calm and adventure.

Being Home.

My desk has been reorganized a few times. I have become obsessed with Knolling. And the most interaction I’ve had with actual people is at Costco to get dog food, chicken breasts and M&Ms (the candy is for my wife). Basically, I’ve become a hardcore home body. Thanks Covid-19.

I’ve always been somewhat of a home body, being introverted and anxious, especially in social settings, has allowed me to be comfortable not leaving the house. I also like being home because it is comfortable. My stuff is here. About every other week I’d get the urge to get out. That’s when we’d usually make our way to the bookstore and other shopping destinations. No social interaction required. Now I’m flat out scared to leave the house and be around other people. I would love to go to the bookstore—if we had the place to ourselves. Target? Too many non-mask wearing assholes. Sorry, if you don’t wear a mask you are being somewhat of an asshole. 

I’m even uncomfortable going out to shoot. Partly because I don’t want to run into any people and partly because motivation is hard to come by these days. I have taken so few photos I had to reacquaint myself with my camera to take my photos for my son and his girlfriend’s engagement. Luckily it came back to me.

I have taken up writing more. In a notebook. I try to fill a few pages each day. But most days I only cover a page or two. Nothing formal, nothing good. Just writing to hopefully get better at it and to give my head someplace to expand and then empty. I hope to try my hand at poetry.

I know I’m not alone. The YouTube videos and podcasts I devour all seem to reflect on the collective angst created by being smart and staying home as much as possible. Everyone is a little lost, a little tired and very frustrated. But being stuck at home is better than being stuck in an ICU bed.

I need to get outside more to shoot. Even if I visit the same locations, the creative act of taking photos would do wonders for my head. I’m becoming a bit nutty being home this much. I’m a big believer in the phrase “input - output.” What probably worries me the most is how much good input I have and how little output there is. I spend a good portion of my day gathering and ingesting amazing input. But it leads to nothing. Zero. If I stop looking for input, will my creativity die? Will I stop being who I am?

Repairs and patience

As I have mentioned, I have an early model of the Canon Canonet QL17. Not the G-III. Mine came before the fancier model. I love this little camera. Simple and easy to use. Is it “sharp”? No idea. It works. I press the shutter release button and it exposes film to light. 

But it’s had some issues. As I also mentioned before, I’ve done some work on the camera. Light seals. Dirty rangefinder. Battery issues. And the latest, back door that didn’t want to close or stay closed. This was may latest adventure in fixing my camera. 

I was out walking around and the door decided to pop open. Yes, while film is loaded. I freaked out. Thinking the worst, I quickly closed the door. But the universe had other plans. It wouldn’t latch. At all. Great, now what do I do? I didn’t have any tape or other means to keep the door closed with me. I couldn’t just walk around holding the door closed. I was getting mad and, to be honest, a little scared. Scared that I’d have to send my only camera in to be repaired. Time without the camera and the expense of fixing an old camera sounded like a shitty scenario I had no interest in being a part of. 

I kept trying to get the door to latch. Pushing on the door in different ways. Swearing at it. Begging with it. Finally, it latched! I could breathe again. I walked around more, holding the door just in case it popped open again. I even drove to a different location and walked around more. Then the universe decided to see how far it could push me.

As I’m taking photos, I look at the frame counter. 22 or 23 frames shot. It’s a 36 exposure roll so I’m good. Until I try to advance to the next frame. No luck. It won’t advance. Now what!! I was done. I wound the film back into the canister and headed back to my truck. Angry and defeated. 

I got home and decided I was not going to give in. I started by taking the bottom plate off thinking I would have access to the latch mechanism. Wrong end. I needed to take the top plate off. Again. I had done this before when I cleaned the rangefinder. Not difficult or overly time consuming. Just a lot of tiny parts and the chance of screwing something important up. My son was still home from school, so he was happy to help. 

We got the plate off and I explained, to the best of my knowledge, how a rangefinder works what what the different bits and pieces were. Then we found the issue. There is a post above the latch mechanism with a spring between the screw and the camera body. It had come completely undone. Once we aligned everything back up and tighten the screw, the door closed and latched like it was fresh off the assembly line. And the metal ring where you attach a strap stopped wiggling. Sweet!

The feeling of victory washed over me. As James May would say, “deep joy!” Not only was my camera once again functional but we fixed it. Not much beats that feeling. 

I developed the roll of film involved with the door issue. Only one frame was exposed. Not sure how that happened but I’ll take it. 

Routines

I am very routine driven. I have a morning routine. I have a lunch routine. I have an after work routine. Hell, I probably have a while I’m sleeping routine. I am routine driven. So when my routine(s) are interrupted or altered I tend to get very lost and frustrated. 

Recently, one of our dogs had major surgery. She required someone to be around 24/7 so she didn’t jump or get licked by her brother. Ten days of dog sitting. Ten days not doing what I typically do. Different sleep pattern. Different work schedule. And so on. It was hell for my wife and I. And I’m sure it was hell for our dog. She was ready to be left alone without one of us hover over her.

In those 10 days I became very tired and lost. I would stare off into space as if I were a lone traveler spending day after day in various airports and modes of transportation. I didn’t know what day it was or if I was supposed to be somewhere. I blew my almost 280 consecutive days of meditation practice. I gained weight. I didn’t write as much. And I didn’t take one photo or post any work. I went through the motions and looked forward to the end of the day.

By the time she was able to be left alone, I was worn out and empty. Mood swings and complete lack of interest in anything and everything. I’m finding it difficult to get into a routine again - especially with hobbies like photography. I’m over thinking it. I’m a typical Type A/perfectionist person. I know my desire for perfection is keeping me from shooting. I’m still tired, but I’ll blame our goofy weather and the holidays for that. Hopefully I’ll get off my ass during my break and go shoot.

Motivation and fanny-packs

I’ve already started to slip into a habit of not posting regularly. Feel free to assume I’m inserting the usual collection of excuses here. But to be honest, I just haven’t had much to say. My life is very routine-based and schedule-driven. As are most.

My motivation levels have been low, as well. Please excuse me if I have touched on this in a previous post. I seem to have a limited number of themes that make up my life. This being one of them.

I carry my camera with me all of the time. It is either in my everyday backpack or in a silly fanny-pack I use on weekends when the bag is overkill. Camera and an extra roll of film. And most days (just about every day), I don’t take a single image. Is it a lack of motivation or the fact that I see the same scenes and environments every day? Probably both.

As I’m typing this, I’m second-guessing its purpose or goal. What is my motivation to write this post? Is it some silent call for a kick in the ass? Am I looking for guidance or suggestions? Do I think someone will magically say, “Hey Bob, let’s go shoot tomorrow”? I would have to answer I don’t know to all of those questions.

I see the work of others online, and I feel like I’m just not working hard enough. Sure, I realize some of them don’t have “day jobs,” or they can afford to travel to exciting locations. But the reality is they just get out and shoot. They find places that offer fascinating subjects, and they take photos. My goal needs to be to find new locations and to keep exploring areas I think I have exhausted.

So I was wrong. I am motivated. But I just need to funnel it better. I need to get off my ass (thanks for the kick, I really appreciate it) and explore what is around. Since nobody reads this, this is my self-talking. I do this all of the time to get myself to think I’m moving forward. It sometimes works for a quick minute or two. Typically, I feel motivated and then slip right back into the professionally curated collection of excuses I carry around in that silly fanny-pack.

(Not) Stealing

I often encourage my students to look at the work of other designers. Not to “steal” ideas but to gather up some inspiration, and maybe some motivation. Interestingly, most think I am telling them to copy what they see. They don’t understand how to look at something, how to let it into your head, without committing it to memory for later reproduction.

I have to explain how I look at work, first as a whole. I take the whole piece in without breaking down the parts. Taking note of first impressions, emotions and overall like or dislike. Then, if warranted, I dig deeper. Looking at color, typography, use of space, etc. But the whole time I’m keeping my thoughts rather general. I might see the designer used a muted palette and a simple grid. I let that roll around in my head - muted colors and a simple grid rather than which muted colors and what grid was used. When I go back to the problem I’m working on, I might try muted colors and maybe I’ll clean up my grid. I also might try bright colors and a more complex grid. 

It isn’t a matter of copying or stealing. It is a matter of allowing various elements to spark thoughts based on what you are working on. I would guess that those of us that grew up with wooden blocks and LEGO (without an instruction book) can take raw parts and form them into something much easier than those that have always had a plan to work from. Not knowing where an idea will take you, rather than building to the picture on the box, is an acquired skill set.

Is the future of design going to rely on designers that need an instruction book? Will they know how to be curious? What exposure to “maybe” will they have and be comfortable with?

Doubt as an educator

I’m reading Mike Monteiro’s Ruined by Design and wonder if I’m doing a disservice to my students. (The book is really good - this is nothing against it or Mr. Monteiro.) I suppose it’s easy to have self-doubt in any profession unless you know deep down you are absolutely the bee’s knees in that field. 

I often wonder how good of a job I’m doing as an educator. Am I providing enough content? Am I providing the correct content? Are their questions being answered or should I be asking them more questions? Lately I feel like I’m failing on all fronts.

Is there a perfect curriculum? Probably not. Probably not even possible. That is something I need to keep reminding myself of when I read other’s opinions of the state of higher education and more specifically, the state of design education. Fields of study change. Keeping up with them can be an daunting task - especially constantly changing fields such as web design. Course curriculum doesn’t turn on a dime over night. It can take months to change the content of a course and by then it will change again.

Before we moved the program online, I could see faces. I could see confused faces, perplexed faces, and faces that glowed when they understood what was being discussed in class. Being online, there are no faces to measure my delivery with. And when the rare questions is posted, it usually has hours, if not days, of space between replies. And I can’t just use a whiteboard or project my computer on a screen to explain a concept or technique. I have to record a video, edit the video, upload the video and then post a link to the video. 

But I think the majority of my doubt is coming from within. I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job. I’m not 100% current on every topic my courses cover because I really don’t love web design. Which on one hand is my fault. And on the other, a byproduct of being spread thin most days of the week. (Yes, start the excuse engine so it has time to warm up properly.) But I am spending a lot of time on Skillshare - learning new things. Maybe that will help.

Here I go (again/still).

The title of this post hints at this not being my first time here. It isn’t. I had another site, somewhat like this one, that I let fade away from a lack of content and interest. So what am I doing here? Why am I putting myself out there, again? I think I have to - so I don’t fade away. Sounds melodramatic, I know. I don’t mean it that way. Let me explain.

My fingers seem to be into a lot of things. Design, photography, woodworking, lettering, learning how to dj, writing, sneakers, etc. I find myself reading about everything from architecture to philosophy. Some are mere hobbies, some are boxed up right now waiting for the “right time,” and some are honest pursuits. I’m not sure I’m very good at any of them. Needless to say, I have a few interests.

I once read that part of being creative is putting your work out there for others to see. That’s damn scary. Judgement comes from others seeing your work. But I agree, you cannot grow without showing your work. We can learn from critiques. So here I am. Putting my work out there for you to see.

To the fading away part…

By nature, I’m a shy, introverted, in-his-fifties guy fuled by anxiety and self-doubt. It would be very easy for me to disappear (creatively) without many noticing. I’m not known in any circles. My name carries no weight. And I’m ok with that. My goal here is not to change that aspect of my life. But I feel if I’m not creating or learning, I will fade away. Where you get up, go to work, come home, watch TV and go to bed. And then do it all again. A leads to B which leads to C. If that is what boils your pasta, fantastic. For me, it feels like suffocation. If I’m not moving forward in some fashion I think I will cease to exist. I become part of the scenery, or the couch. Maybe this is my attempt to feel like I’m a part of something larger.

So, here’s my new site. A place to show what I’m learning about photography. A place to show any design work. And a place to share my thoughts. Not sure how often I’ll post new work. I hope to rotate photos out somewhat regularly. I’ve got the usual social media accounts but pay the most attention to Instagram and Twitter (sorry Facebook, you kind of bore me these days).

Thanks for reading this far. Let me know what you think. If you have ideas on how I can be better, I’d love to hear them. Drop me a line. And of course, I’m available for hire. Just putting that out there.

Until next time. Thanks.