Trapped or Being Lost

I find myself somewhat trapped at work.

As you may know, I am a professor at a local university. The bulk of my job is grading student work. Some weeks it might take me a couple of days to get through all of it. This week, I wrapped it up yesterday. Yay me. This leaves me with administrative work that I have perfected ways of ignoring until someone up the food chain tells me I need to get it done. Typically I would go home on such days and hand out there. But my dear wife is sick, and I don’t want to get exposed any more than I have to be. So I’m trapped at work. Or am I just feeling lost?

I feel lost often. Not directionally, emotionally, or maybe more psychologically. I find time on my hands, and I don’t know what to do with it. I want to make photographs but get stuck on where to go. I don’t feel comfortable with going to a coffee shop. Thanks, COVID. So I wind up doing nothing. Or something pointless like watching YouTube videos. Not that YouTube videos are worthless - I learn a lot from them - but when you start watching videos of military aircraft take off and land... you have a problem.

Someone once explained that being a perfectionist causes one not to do things because they are too busy waiting for the “perfect” time to do it. I agree. But I call myself out on this and still find myself lost.

I have always said I don’t do bored well. And today is a perfect example. I also lack the motivation to do mindless tasks that I should be doing (adjunct evaluations, etc.) Ugh.

So I’m typing this post that nobody will read. Mental masturbation? Probably but at least I’m off the YouTube for a minute or two.